I am a Christian. August 10, 2015
Past many years, I have been walking on the path of faith with many wondering doubts and divergence. I am living as a Christian now, but faith does not stay in me by my own will, but to the grace of the Lord. My faith has been hot and cold unless the Lord allowed me. It is the life of Christian who continue to recognize and appreciate to the grace of the Holy Sprit.
Last year I was ordained as an ordained deacon, and I try to live accordingly. I am trying my best to serve the church by attending at dawn prayers, as a leader of our district Christians community, as a head of the Culture Ministry, as a chairman of the Antioch Senior church members, and as a member of the Church Leadership. By doing these exercises, I found myself in the stability of faith in Christian life. After being ordained as an ordained deacon, the church leaders had the leadership seminar with our church Pastor, I gain the faith about the resurrection of Jesus through the discussing and studying on the matter of faith and belief among our leaders, the wandering of my belief stopped, and finally accept Jesus as my saver in my heart by the grace of Holy Spirits. It is a miracle in my life.
My doubt & wandering of my faith began during my retirement in 2005, 2006 to read the book "Buddhist Jesus" happens to be in my hand. I had come to know Buddha, desired to study other religions, fall into philosophy, and studies of evolution. I had gained the shallow knowledge of the existence of the world nature and understand the mystery of nature created by God. Then the wondering of my faith had begun ”is the cross of Jesus Christ the only way to heaven?” I studied Confucius and Confucianism, immerse myself in the profound truths of Buddhism, and try to know Mahometh and truth in many books of philosophy and religions, I recognized and found many agreeable theologies, there are many other religious lives and claims.
History of our ancient ancestry (Gentile), who were born in the encounter between sperm and egg, which is the principle of birth, I was concerned about the salvation of these people who had not had chances to hear the good news who were born before Christ. What will happen to these people when Christ come for the final judgement day? It is unfair & contradictions of Christianity of mercy and love. My deep root in my heart, I never denied or doubt of the creator God, but the news that is ‘believe in the cross of Jesus is the only way to be saved from the sin & go to heaven’ confessing with our own tung, was always bothering me due to unfairness. Therefore my 30 years Christianity life to read Bible and prayed to God was very confused and started wandering of my faith. But the Lord did not leave me in the chaos that long, I have finally believed the miracle of Jesus' resurrection by the power, and the work of the Holy Spirit.
Miracle happed by Christ with “5 loaf of bread & 2 fishes” feed the 5000+ crowds who followed Jesus, another time it was more than 4,000+ men at mealtime, they gathered to hear Jesus' words, witnessed the miracles; the blind was see, the crippled rose, the leprosy cleansed, cast out of demons.
But those very people cried out laud to crucify the Jesus to nail on the cross, also even disciple Peter denied three times and said, “I do not know Jesus.” these proved how people can be weak and foolish in the faith. I would been born that time I would have stood and behave as same in that situation; It is human’s limitations. These people had trivial beliefs even though they were witnessed many Christ’s Miracles.
Even though the Lord was willing to accept the death on the cross for the sake of these weak and foolish people’s sin. This is the testimony that the Lord loves us, and through this we are finally able to reconcile with God, not only receiving the gift of being sanctified, forgiven of our sins, but also got a gift of being a child of God. How great this is !! are we really deserved all of these?
Of course not, we did not & can not do anything to receive these gifts. We are just human scraps, sinners who crucified Jesus, betrayers of the Lord, and sinners who dare cannot ask forgiveness. But how dare do Christians call God ‘the Father’ attending the church, worship, pray, and sing praises?
"The mercy and love of the Lord" is the only words can be explained of this mystery & secret.
Miracles begun as Jesus resurrects, even though we do not have any strength, nor will nor qualification, but Jesus appears before these scattered crowd who denied and crucified Jesus. Is this true? How can this happen? It was doubtful fact and question to any human being, how is the dead can be alive again? Specially the dead man who was stabbed by the spear and shed blood. But he appeared to the crowd who betrayed him, cowardly behaved, then asked them to touch his nailed hands, stabbed and wounded side. Because Jesus want us to believe that he is truly alive for the resurrection, Jesus is the Christ who is reborn and prove that we can be saved and reborn like Jesus. But they were uncertain and did not changed their mind even though Jesus alive again and show up in front of them and asked them to touch his wounds. Even though Jesus promised that “he will send Holy Spirit to take care of them and be back himself in the near future” then ascended into the heaven in front of their eyes.
After that incident, a few people gathered in the attic room to pray. Then Jesus send the Holy Spirit to the attic room of the Comforter which the Lord has promised. And people started speaking in different tongues of languages, boldly to go out and spread the gospel of the savior Jesus, heal the sick people, cripple to rose, cast out demons. Disciples and many people went out preached, martyred to death. And even Gentiles, received the gift of the Holy Spirit. Even Paul who persecuted Christianity was become a disciple and spread evangelism through Asia and Rome until martyr. How is this happening? Where did this boldly behave, courage comes from? They used to shout out to crucify Jesus, and denied Jesus, but they had suddenly changed on their faith, preached the gospel to death? These are all the very same people.
These changes are sudden and there was nothing happen between times, only Jesus was resurrected, and there was no other incident, but Holy Spirit reach the attic room from heaven. After these incidents, somehow, they changed by faith , conviction to take actions, risk dare to death. Conclusion is that faith has changed by “Jesus was resurrected, and the Holy Spirit of Comforter came”.
We can not believe that the dead have resurrected, nor Jesus ascended into heaven, we can not believe that the Holy Spirit come to people and change them to a new person. It is just a story. It would be naive or foolish to believe these stories. If we believe in all these with our own will. But we would not dare to put forth our life in risk to death. Our common sense shall not accept, and no one ever will do this. But these things happened then, there are no other explanation, but the only conclusion is that God was transforming these people who were cowards, trivial believers, denied & hide, but after transformed suddenly changed, preached, and martyred.
So, we are weak, faithless, sinful, indecisive, but with the grace of the Lord, let us confess with our lips "accept Jesus as our Savior, who died for our sins", then we are transformed, and become a person who praise the Lord, citizen of the kingdom of heaven, become Christians who live by that hope. we can call God” Father”, be holy, so we can stand before Jesus and God. What a great gift it can be!!
So, we seek the Lord's grace, pray, to have faith and believe.
Through this mystery, we have found Jesus. Even though we are not living 100% as a Christian. We also do not have the ability to do what we know as a Christianity. All we can only try continuous efforts, train ourselves with persistent hope and wish to become a true Christian.
When God came to meet Moses, and entrusted him with important work, Moses unable and unwilling to do so, but eventually he followed God's will, God gave him a cane, strength, and Aaron to help him. So, if the Lord would give us some task, God will help us to fulfil the task regardless of our situation and ability. And now we also know in our head the Holy Spirit is in me to help, but ironically our heart is rather worry that the Holy Spirit might come and change me 100%. We are not ready & willing to live the Christian life 100% devoted to God, then we might lose too much of earthly things. Also, we pray that give us faith, change our lives, but hopefully GOD will do it gradually & softly. Our heart desire not to be extreme, just mediocre job. Luckly, the Lord will not do all the things what we pray, but we believe that if God want to change us, God will also provide us the power, courage, and faith to fulfil the job like Moses.
Then what is different from our Christian and unbeliever’s life? I can not help but ask. The answer will be CHRISTIAN know and believe the Lord is our Savior, and live in Him with hope, pray, praise him, and attend the church. These are the differences. Although our faith is so weak that we can not live a life devoted 100% to God, but we continue to seek grace and trust the Lord. We confess and know that we are sinners, although we continue to stumble and sin every day. We seek forgiveness from God and praise him like King David. The great King David is the symbol of faith to God, even though he had sinned to take Bathsheba and slaughtering her husband Uriah to death, he failed to live in the God expectation, but he had lived a life continuously asking God forgiveness, praying, praising, and hanging on to God.
Likewise, Christians are who know Jesus, live a life of hope, and pursue a resemblance to Jesus, not a perfect person who lives a perfect & holy life but do sins. We are just human being, we can not dare to criticize our brothers, and easily fall into the sins, greedy and full of selfishness in our lives, but we know God and fear God, give thanks to Jesus, hope to enter the kingdom, repent, and praise the God. We continue exercise life with love and have compassion to our neighbors, live with hope and prayer until we go to heaven and live with God. We are the one who knows Jesus is the only hope. Hallelujah!!